The disappearance of the so-called Prime Minister Mirko Cvetkovic should not, after all, be reported to the police. Our Prime Minister is more of an enigma than the North Korean heir presumptive, Kim Jong-un. We do not know what they are doing, where they live, when they were born, or, for that matter, if they were born at all. The only thing we know about the grandson of the Kim dynasty is that his people call him Brilliant Comrade. Our brilliant comrade Mirko crawled out of some hidey-hole, and announced that the parliamentary session will be held on November 2nd to discuss the issue of Kosovo. In the meantime, some four dudes from northern Kosovo get to decide how many centimeters of the road through their village will the KFOR soldiers be allowed to use, under what conditions can the UNMIK vehicles move freely. They kept President Tadic awake for four and a half hours. The meeting was held, of course, in Belgrade, since the president cannot travel to that part of his territory, because his citizens would throw rocks at him. Rocks are, incidentally, the favorite welcoming gadgets of Kosovo Serbs; they use them every time anyone whom they don’t like appears. Those four gentlemen left dissatisfied with the summit held at Andricev venac [Serbian presidency], the negotiations were unsuccessful, and it remained unclear until the end – who was the President of the state, and who the head of a local community.
As December 9th sneaks closer every day, the chances that Brussels will say NO to our candidacy grow stronger. As elections approach, the mask is peeling off the face of Ivica Dacic, and the terrible face Milosevic has been shaping for years is slowly emerging… Yesterday, the best Minister of Police since the days of Leka Rankovic, but now in the role of the Deputy Prime Minister, announced that Europeans have been lying to us since 2000, promising constantly the candidate status, and that it would not be a big surprise if these bastards are lying to us once again, although, according to him, this will not ruin the Serbian people. It will not, as they are already ruined, and all because of him and nasty political creatures similar to him. Milosevic’s pupil added that it was true Angela Merkel said Serbia has to shut down its parallel institutions in Kosovo. This is something we already knew. However, we did not know, and Dacic gave us an exclusive peace of information – that during dinner, between two bites, Angie said – really, and why can’t Kosovo be a confederation, I never thought about that. Dacic said that he would not exclude even the trade of territories as a solution to this Kosovo knot. Four local communities north of the River Ibar, in exchange for what? Bujanovac, Presevo, Medvedja, his birthplace Zitoradja, eastern Serbia where the number of citizens is, at any rate, declining… A few days ago, the husband of President’s favorite advisor, Milan Nikolic, offered the option that all Kosovo Serbs, if need be – with him in the lead, in the role of Carnojevic, move to the abandoned fields and pastures around Serbia, and continue quietly growing Kosovo peonies and wheat.
It goes without saying, that in the fight for candidacy, we expect the support of all the nations of the world, little Slovenians included. They love Belgrade nightclubs, and they will not hold it against us that, several days ago in the UN, led by our own interests, we voted for Azerbaijan, instead for Slovenia, to be the new non-permanent member of UN Security Council. The fact that Slovenians lobbied for us to be placed on the White Shengen list, and that they are using every chance they get to support EU candidacy of Serbia, is not relevant. The late father Aliyev in Tasmajdan park, and the living son Aliyev in Baku, are better friends to us, because they did not recognize Kosovo independence, and they also happen to have more oil, which they cannot wait to give us for free. Additionally, they have better channels for weapon smuggling.
This week, our reserve President, Milorad Dodik, is also on the diplomatic offensive. Israeli Minister of Foreign Affairs came to him, to plead and beg with Dodik to obstruct the intention of the Bosnian Federation to vote for the independence of the Palestinian state. Fidel Castro also praised us recently – he came back from the dead to hold a several hour long speech, in which he mentioned our heroic resistance to NATO, mentioning that NATO would have fallen apart if Milosevic only withstood “a few days more”. Too bad Gaddafi is dead, who knows what praises the Colonel would have bestowed upon us.
The visibly tired President decided to rest a little and have some fun in Paris with his friend, ambassador Zorica Tomic. Paris is always a good solution, especially since he can take a nap in the ambassador’s luxurious duplex apartment, the one we are paying 6, 7, 8 thousand euros per month. The President is officially in Paris to aid our ambassador in the defense of our holy sites in Kosovo. There was a problem, so he had to postpone the lecture for the students of the Faculty of Law, entitled – Serbia ahead or behind the time. He found the inspiration for this lecture at the Book Fair, where he bought two important titles: The Circles of Power by Zarko Jokanovic, and The Pearls from the Tavern by Jasa Grobarov. Asked when he would write a book, he said: when I finish building bridges, make Serbia part of the EU, solve the issue of Kosovo, make peace with our neighbors, calm the political tensions in Serbia… The only things he failed to mention were global warming, peace in the world, and Miroslav Miskovic’s tax. It turns out that, after all, Delta will not pay the tax to Serbia on the transaction worth almost a billion euros. The tax on the sale of Maxi to Belgian Delhaize will be paid to Cyprus, despite the fact that the president publicly appealed to Miskovic to “show his patriotism” and pay the tax to his homeland. But the law is the law, the tax authorities say, Miskovic is exempt from paying taxes based on some contract with Cyprus, which Serbia signed in 1986.
However, by simply adding up the investments which the ministers listed only in the last few months, Miskovic’s several hundred million budget deficit will not even be noticed. The Brilliant Comrade Mirko Cvetkovic told us we might be getting a huge business deal with a company, he is not willing to name. However, this giant has the annual turnover of one billion euros. Sutanovac has gone quiet, because his weapons customers have been killed or arrested during the Arab Spring. However, the minister of everything that has to do with nature, Dusan Petrovic, informed us that we will be earning huge amounts of money from agriculture, proudly stating that Serbia has the largest number of farmers in Europe – almost two million. The facts that they are old, sick, with rusty plows and tractors that haven’t had accumulators and tires for quite some time, is irrelevant. Serbia farmer always finds a way…
It is not a joke that the biggest income is expected to come from Novak Djokovic. The media house B92 reports, from reliable sources, that Nole will bring three global companies to Serbia. He will bring Mercedes (for which Tadic pined last week in Germany, when he told his hosts that Serbia and Germany are “production nations”). Nole is, B92 reminds us, the ambassador of Mercedes in Serbia. Then, naturally, comes Sergio Tacchini, because the first tennis player in the world wears Tacchini shorts, sweaters, socks, not to mention wristbands. And finally, he will also bring some China-China conglomerate, which will invest billions in the Thermal Power Plant Obrenovac. Djokovic just happens to be the cover face of said Chinese company.
And, lest I forget, the 100 million euros of cash Mrkonjic agreed upon with the World Bank. Maybe Dulic will take some of the money, but there will be enough all around.
Needless to say that clero-fascists feed on this craziness. The organization Nasi (Ours) launched an appeal to Serbian patriots to keep making phone calls to the editorial office of the Radio Free Europe and force them to remove the map of Serbia without Kosovo from their website. Many disturbed Serbs answered the plea, and started calling the editorial office, threatening the journalists of the separatist Free Europe. Pursuant to their legalist standpoint, Nasi called the state, i.e. the police, to take immediate steps, so that they would not have to take matters into their own hands. The problem is that Dacic’s police is busy, the Rector of the University of Belgrade, Branko Kovacevic, is calling for help, to disperse the students of the Faculty of Philosophy and Faculty of Philology by peaceful means, or, if need be, by force. The measly Rector, same as the measly Minister of Education, pretended, for days, that the protests did not exist. Then he decided to deal with the student mob by calling the police with their batons to solve the problem. He knows nothing about the autonomy of the university, and force is no stranger to him: in the past, he led students in an attack on border checkpoints with Kosovo, angry that Kosovo proclaimed independence.
In a few days, on October 31st, there will be 7 billion people living on earth, according to the estimates given by the United Nations. I do not like stories about overpopulation, about the surplus of people, but sometimes, for example these last few days, it seems to me that there are at least 7.3 million more than anyone needs.