If Providence decided to test me by making me president of the National Election Commission, I would have done what the President of the Republic did: I would have declared myself omnipotent from the moment of my enthronement, and I would have become omnipotent from the first mention of the announcement of elections. I would have raised an official complaint that the TV channels watched by the majority of the population have always sided with the ruler and his people, while all those outside the ruling party have to console themselves with one or two channels that do not reach most future voters.
I would have sharpened my focus tenfold from the first mention of the slogans and names of the so-called list bearers. I would immediately seek an audience with the President of the Republic: “Thank you for taking the time for me, but believe me, I took even more time for you, because here I am before you, at your convenience. And I came here because I wanted to warn you in private: you cannot, under any circumstances, be the bearer of all the lists of the party from whose leadership you recently stepped down, you cannot, because that would put the other lists in an extremely unequal position. Let’s not kid ourselves, you are the Coca-Cola of presidents, you are a brand, so what chance does a party with, between you and me, an outdated slogan like ‘Dačić for Prime Minister’ have, against such a powerful symbol?! I bit my tongue before saying that I feel sorry for such an election competitor in advance, but let’s go back to your case: As the President of the Republic, you are the president of all citizens, you are the embodiment of unity, and it is completely unacceptable for you to publicly and brazenly take the side of one of the six or seven competitors! I see that you have opened your mouth to dispute my words, but let me finish. Although I personally think that you are the best thing that could happen to the Serbian world, I will not allow you to use even one state dinar to impose your list on the voters, I would also warn you that there is a lot of buzz about fake Belgraders who are supposed to vote for you and I plan to submit the evidence on this to the police and the courts…”
It is possible that my service to the people would end at this point, but if I were to survive the meeting with the ruler, I would continue to watch closely over everything related to the election, because I am the president of the Election Commission! And everything that has anything to do with the election is in my jurisdiction! I am not the Constitutional Court, to declare myself incompetent and unfit for the job! If I heard that one of the parties is being hindered from presenting its platform, such as it is, to the voters, I would immediately send a team of inspectors to investigate. Furthermore, in response to the Pro-Glas petition, signed by many citizens, which is also under my jurisdiction despite Pro-Glas not directly participating in the election because it persuades citizens to vote, the state retaliates with two thousand coerced signatures, which is unacceptable and regrettable, because these are the signatures of people who hope to get something from the ruler, or those who fear for their jobs. I would prohibit overly servile media from publishing this list, because it is a disgrace for both the state and the signatories, who are, as I said, either self-interested or cowards (I believe that maybe one third of them signed out of pure love for the illegal bearer of the electoral list).
If I were in charge of a bicycle race, if I were the chief referee and I heard, in advance, and from all sides, how some competitors were using illegal performance enhancing drugs, while others had the chains on their bicycles secretly loosened or tightened too much, it would definitely be within my jurisdiction to inspect all this. If I uncovered such underhanded trickery, I would have to stop the race. My job is not to merely sit at the finish line, like a scarecrow in a vineyard, and congratulate the winner! How is that not clear to the presidents of the National and City Election Commissions!?
Of course, I am the way I am. If I were a customs officer, I would be a nightmare for travelers, for my colleagues, and for my superiors. I am against all duties and customs imposed by the state, but if I were a customs officer – I would do customs full time! I would scrutinize the luggage of anyone passing by me. Everyone has something that is subject to customs: just as there are no bad scraps for a good pig, for a good customs officer there is no traveler with nothing to declare. Of course, my diligence would create lines of passengers waiting, but my employer would benefit a lot from my conscientiousness, and travelers, smugglers, tourists and others would once again fear the customs, instead of passing them without a glance.
Let’s go back to the good people from the NEC: you are responsible for any, even the smallest, mischief that casts even the tiniest shadow on the elections, otherwise your existence is pure nonsense, you are parasites and accomplices in a deceit so great that even we – the deceived, ah, so many times – have never seen.
I am currently working on my next publications: “If I were the Regulatory body for digital media!”, “If I were the Constitutional Court!” and “If I were Zagorka!”, and maybe I will undertake a testamentary project, which would be the crowning achievement of my life’s work – “If I were Vučić!”
Translated by Marijana Simić
Peščanik.net, 23.12.2023.
